Liz Breazeale

Today’s Modern Woman Is Destroying This Country

Satan is born a baby girl somewhere in Missouri to heathens and godless liberals. Her parents donate monthly to Planned Parenthood. They’re against the war on drugs. One time they gave money to a homeless man.

When Satan enters the world, the worst thunderstorm in years descends upon the hospital.

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As an infant, She Who Reigns in Hell prefers cooler colors. Every time she reaches for a blue toy instead of pink, a meteor smashes into a skyscraper.

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The Spawn of Evil wants to play baseball just like the St. Louis Cardinals, who she watches with her dad every week. She starts teeball in kindergarten and it becomes immediately clear that she’s very, very good at batting (sometimes a boy gets in the way and you’ve never seen anyone care less about hitting another person). Every game she comes home dirty and exhausted and proud and a tornado touches down in Texas or Oklahoma and demolishes a farm.

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Inexplicably, the She-Beast receives Barbies as gifts even though she always asks for dinosaurs. She throws them on the roof, their legs sticking out of the gutters like the spokes of downed helicopters. An aircraft carrier capsizes with each doll that hits the shingles.

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The Princess of Darkness, age thirteen, wears a denim skirt to school. It’s short enough to see her knees and everything. She also, horror of horrors, wears a tanktop. Landslides crush several small towns in Idaho.

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The Destroyer of Worlds has sex for the first time when she’s sixteen. It’s fine, but the second time is better.

Afterward, a sinkhole opens up in Kentucky and twelve hikers, all men, fall into a complex but beautiful cave system that runs the length of the surrounding hills. They all die in two hours due to infighting and also hatchets.

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When she’s 18, Beelzebubina has an abortion. Her mom drives her three hours to the remaining provider in Missouri; when they leave the clinic, the protestors shout that the young woman is the devil and a murderer, waving their signs way too close to her face.

After the procedure, a four-story metal crucifix in rural Illinois reflects the light just wrong and sparks a blaze in the median of the adjacent interstate. The fire eventually reaches a nearby town, where it destroys four gun stores. Oh, and it also takes out a few churches.

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The One Who Rejoices in Human Suffering attends a small liberal arts college in northern Missouri, where she majors in women’s studies and sociology. When men scream at her on the street, she hisses at them and her middle fingers spring up as if on their own. The catcallers die precisely two minutes after each incident, smashed by a bus or other form of public transportation. It’s unfortunate, but they were asking for it.

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Because the Evil One gets an IUD, the economy crashes, water turns to blood, and there’s an uptick in prostate cancers.

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The Vector for All Cruelty in the Universe doesn’t shave her legs for three weeks and a mining town in Pennsylvania is swallowed by the earth.

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The Caller of the Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse stops wearing makeup, not for any reason, really, it just takes so much damn work, and a subdivision in Oklahoma City is trampled to shreds by a herd of bison. The buffalo disappear as quickly as they arrived.

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The Keeper of the Gates of Hell becomes friends with the woman her college boyfriend cheated on her with and a county in southern Georgia explodes. Literally. Poof.

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When Evil Incarnate interrupts her male colleague to tell him that yes, she does actually know what the GDP is, a hot air balloon crashes in the middle of I-70 in Colorado, causing a 45-car pileup in which thirteen people are killed, two horses escape from a trailer, and 300,000 limes roll across the highway. A first responder slips on a lime and his female coworker laughs at him. He doesn’t speak to her for two full hours.

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The Harbinger of Doom adopts a puppy she finds in a trashcan and names him Frederick. Nothing of note happens in the world as a result. It’s just pleasant and I thought you’d like to know.

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The Spawn of the Eternal Gaping Maw of Terror refuses to date her coworker (who asks her out repeatedly) and a plague of locusts is unleashed upon the city of Minneapolis. St. Paul, oddly, is unscathed.

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The Archfiend doesn’t want to have kids; every time she tells someone, a plane plummets from the sky.

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The Vile Temptress of Man has casual but fulfilling sex occasionally. Flash floods pound much of the Southwest. Yes, every single time.

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The Killer of Light and Hope never marries. On her fiftieth birthday, the Big One hits California, causing the state to snap off and float alone in the ocean.

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The Queen of Horrors has a brief affair with a man twenty years her junior. He surfs every morning and comes back smelling of salt all over. Every time he brings her to orgasm, a schoolbus full of children careens off a road and blows up somehow. I don’t make the rules, okay? This is just how it works.

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It takes Satan almost eighty years to bring about the end of human civilization, the task for which she was called into existence from the loins of evil itself. It happens when she wears a bikini to the beach with her lifelong friend Janice and there they sit, reminiscing about their lives and the richness they’ve found in friends, family, and fulfilling careers. After they finish this entire conversation into which men do not factor at all, a black hole is birthed in the center of the earth, the planet implodes, and all life in the solar system is extinguished.